Posts Tagged ‘kidisms’

Oatso funny

March 29, 2008

Nyssa’s sense of humor is coming along nicely. To backtrack a little, a couple weeks ago I got sick of the kids continually getting cheerios all over the floor and threatened them with a week of oatmeal if it persisted. They must not have taken me seriously (they should know better by now I would think) because, sure enough, cheerios everywhere. So I enacted the sentence and to add insult to injury made them eat the baby porridge that you have to reconstitute. Sounds sadistic? I blame my dad and the Fishstick Punishment of ’93. Anyway, yesterday I took Nyssa to McDonalds to reward her for coming to the vet with me. Yeah, I know, but it’s the only place on the high street that does proper (well..) milkshakes, and she was yearning for one. Here we are also subjected to McDonalds Monopoly, and she got a sticker to peel on her cup. She was an instant winner–of a free bowl of Oatso Simple Porridge. Apparently British people consider that a prize and not, you know, an act of cruelty. Nyssa got the brilliant idea of taking it home, acting all excited and going on and on about winning a wonderful prize but wanting to give it to her beloved brother. The deflated look on his face upon reading his ‘prize’ was excellent.

Another Nyssa food-related funny–she came running to me the other day after a dinner of pasta and vegetarian ‘scampi’ exclaiming, ‘Mum I LOVE the pasta and scabs you made for dinner!’

Oh oh, I passed my car theory test, w00t. 🙂 Now to get my eyes checked, new glasses, and start properly driving.

So, I’ve declared this a house-cleaning weekend, but so far all we’ve managed is one run to Argos and now James and the kids are playing Xbox 360 while eating Ikea snacks, and I’m nursing a headache and thinking I’ll need a nap before anything more strenuous.

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It’s always interesting..

March 10, 2008

..the things the kids do pick up. For example, Joseph just can’t keep the word ‘solfege’ in his head. But he’s lived through enough british Christmas Fetes that he has the concept of the obligatory fundraising schemes down. He picked up a toy binoculars that James had attempted to fix but had somehow made so fuzzy as to be unusable. The thing came free with a magazine, so that’s no surprise. Joseph put a positive spin on it though and said he’d put it in his tombola pile. He giggled and asked if I knew that that was, then quickly answered, ‘It’s where I put all the crappy junk I want to get rid of. It’s too junky to give to charity, but too good to throw away, so that’s what I do!’ He’s been the recipient of a few too many rubbish prizes, I think. lol

Nyssa is incapable of saying ‘Rumpelstiltskin’, though her permutations are adorable. She has however picked up on my running commentary on my fellow man (particularly fellow man whilst driving recklessly). She was telling me yesterday that she didn’t want to go out in her ‘home dress’ because it’s quite loudly patterned and people might tease her. I asked her why she thought people might do that, and she sighed and answered, ‘I dunno, some people are just asses?’

Another youtube find–this woman Imogen Heap has a beautiful voice, is a talented songwriter, and…check out her hand/ear coordination!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSIbfzK2spg

In the mail today, I got my provisional driving license! Wow, it took *less* than the time quoted by about half. So of course I’m now going to just assume that my passport that is to be sent back separately has been shredded or somesuch.

So, if you’ve always wondered what a UK provisional license looks like..there it is. Sucks, there’s also this piece of paper that you’re meant to carry around with it. That’s right, paper. I’m also a little peeved about the rubbish black and white photo. I actually managed to get a decent photo at the little shopping centre booth, and as you can see there was little point in even putting makeup on. Ah. Well. I’ve scheduled my theory test, I’m securing a parking place for my imaginary car, I’m getting there. After four years, I might just be driving again soon!

I might have mentioned getting a DS. It’s too fun, seriously. The kids obviously love the thing, and Purr Pals has somehow also rekindled their love of their Tamagotchis. Now, I’m as nervous as any parent of the influence of techie toys, but have to say, few toys inspire so much snugglebug time, as seen here:

That, incidentally, is the ‘home dress’.

Nyssa asks,

February 24, 2008

“So where in the world do they put kids in jail? Texas?”

That one sort of came out of nowhere, but after getting my snickering under control, I tried to explain the various institutions, that exist in all of the US states, i.e. childrens’ homes and juvenile detention centres. She really didn’t understand the latter and wouldn’t believe me when I insisted that kids weren’t regularly tied up and beaten with sticks in these places (well, so say the inspectors anyway). My dear wee cynic. 😛

Later I asked her where she had heard about Texas, so as to understand her odd bias. She promptly replied (I’m paraphrasing), “Cartoons! And I know there are lots of wild animals there. But no cowboys and indians, that’s a myth. People there aren’t that smart, even though there’s a university.” I just sort of sat there with my mouth open. It bemuses me how kids can pull bits and pieces from all sorts of sources to come up with some of the strangest opinions. Preparation for the biases of adulthood I guess! This really didn’t help Texas’ case, but I couldn’t help but point out that that Dubya was once governor there. She was predictably unimpressed.

So, next on the academic to-do list: find a way to squeeze some of Texas’ positive attributes into the curriculum!

Cartoons aren’t all bad. I actually find them sort of soothing. I also love watching the kids watch them, because their giggles put my Celexa to shame. Joseph, between giggles this evening, said, “I just love watching the silly, stupid things they do in cartoons!”

This was a very, hmm, bumming around sort of weekend. I wasn’t feeling terrific, and the kids were low-energy. We had also lost a lot of sleep seeing James off early Saturday. We really didn’t do much of anything, in fact we only left the house because the cats had to have food. On a whim I bought some used xbox games at the mall. The kids spent the evening reviewing Futurama, Simpsons Hit and Run, and Super Monkey Ball. They’re all funny, but SMB is hilarious. Lots of falling into the drink and getting to b*tch-smack one’s sibling/child/mother. Considering we were meant to go to Young Archaeologists Club, Dance, Nyssa’s Guides’ Thinking Day service, then to the playpark, and then to a documentary showing at the cinema, the weekend really should seem like a wash. But we hung out and enjoyed each others’ company, so I think it’s fair enough.

Rootbeer and Daleks

February 19, 2008

Nyssa just now, while watching telly: “It looks real but it isn’t. I’m being media smart!” Hehe

As much as it stinks having James away, there are certain benefits. For example, we can eat things that he doesn’t like, namely sloppy joes and anything involving barbeque sauce (I know, I know, freak). Tonight we made root beer floats, another American speciality he abhors. Grandma R was lovely enough to bring along a bottle of root beer concentrate last time she was here. I use a super shortcut recipe that will make hardcore enthusiasts balk (like, short as in dissolving sugar and concentrate in hot water then dumping into sparkling water) but it tastes fine. Cornish clotted cream ice cream makes it lovely. My sort of fusion cuisine ;).

I was quite depressed earlier in the year because I didn’t manage to get Joseph (me) to the Manchester Doctor Who exhibition. As it turns out, there is going to be an even bigger one in London, which will happen to be on the way when we go to the Isle of Wight in April. James’ very best friend forever is finally getting married later in the year, and this is their alternative to bachelor/ette parties. Suits me down to the ground, must say. I haven’t really looked into what there is to do, but I’m fairly certain there will be beds and quiet so I’ll take along knitting and books and be peachy. When we go through London I’d like to take the kids to Camden to buy some weird trinkets and people-watch, but I wonder it’s like post-fire. That really was a shame.

More weirdo things my kids say..

January 29, 2008

Nyssa, as I’m tucking her into bed, with a very worried look on her face: “Mom, what’s that drug that makes you pee out your life??”

Me: “I, um, to be honest I have no clue what you’re talking about.” I could only guess that we had a discussion on diuretics at some point that totally stuck in her brain in the most paranoid way possible.

***

Nyssa and her little friend were in the bathroom of a cafe that was recently converted from a nightclub, reading the contents listed on a vending machine: “What’s this?? Naughty toys for girls? Handcuffs? Pleasure vibe? Inflatable sheep???”

Little friend, flipping her hair as she leaves: “Yeah, those don’t look fun!”

Nyssa, following suit: “Yeah, *we* won’t go to naughtytoys.com!”

***

Joseph: “Mom, I need new underwear. See, these ones leave marks.” Joseph demonstrates both marks and his total lack of modesty.

Me: “Well, did you want to try boxer shorts this time like you had mentioned a while ago?”

Joseph: “Well, I’m not sure. I was reading that book (referring to the puberty one) and it said that boxer shorts can make erections easier to see. I don’t want to get embarrassed!”

Me, after deep breath: “OK, well, see, you don’t have to worry about that at your age..” At this point I launch into a brief lesson in, uh, proportion and male growth rates and try to tell him quite how small he is right now without messing up his self-concept for the rest of his life.

Joseph brightens up: “Oh, OK Mom! Well, there were these Doctor Who boxers at Next Kids…”

Sex ed gone askew

December 11, 2007

My children say lovely, horrifying things. We watched a fantastic documentary yesterday about the development of three different animals from conception to birth. The kids learned all sorts of gruesome and wondrous things. Excellent. Then Nyssa plaintively says to me, ‘Mom, I wish *I* had sperm inside me.’ I mentally smacked myself enough times to keep a straight face and to keep myself from saying, ‘Did you not see that bit about elephant copulation?!?’ I asked her if she felt quite prepared at this point to get pregnant. She admitted she wasn’t. I think she must have missed the bit about sperm having a short lifespan and saw it as good future planning to get the dna situation sorted and not have to worry about it later.

The kids also have strange conversations between themselves. I overheard Joseph saying that he wished he was emperor of the universe (this is a recurring theme with the boy) and then he would force that Taylor boy to marry Nyssa. Nyssa breathes emotionally, ‘but Joseph..I don’t want *false* love!’ Joseph doesn’t see her point at all. I don’t think he’s watched enough Barbie movies.

I guess I should be happy that they do things together, albeit in the slightly psychopathic manner with which anyone with my dna is bound to do things. They play Barbie, but it inevitably involves dismemberment and excessive nudity. I’m forever finding Ken heads and Barbie arms in the couch cushions. They play Sylvanian families, in which Nyssa enacts teacher/pupil abuse, Joseph’s favorite character to play has the charming moniker ‘Throw-up Lad,’ and it’s good fun to get the cats to stampede through the baby playpark. What makes it all a bit disturbing is that this was the sort of sadistic play I favored as a kid. Of course I ended up as a peaceable sort of grownup, so maybe it’s all going to be ok. If really, really odd. Hehe.

A Very Nyssa Day

September 2, 2007

A day in a life with Nyssa..

Normally, I awaken to little presents deposited near my pillow by my dear daughter. Her gift yesterday was fairly creative actually, she unraveled a ball of yarn and rewound it around a couple small items. This morning, however, there wasn’t anything. She came in the room and I discovered why–she had spent the morning with a byro/ball-point pen putting graffiti all over her arms and legs. Some areas were completely blue, it was quite impressive. She’s been banned incidentally from trousers for a couple days to hopefully prevent some ink transfer to her clothes. 😛

Nyssa was very enthusiastic about the idea of playing in the garden, but we got a text from some friends who were going to be in town and wanted to play at the park. So, Nyssa was very good and remembered her change of socks, towel, etc. (damned sandy playpark) and we went to play. She was fine for a while until she came stumbling to me, looking quite ill and needing to lay down for a while. I think a spinny ride got the best of her.

Later, our friends treated us to dinner at the Thai restaurant. For some reason, they had Elvis playing which Nyssa was very enthusiastic about. She danced about playing air guitar, and spoke in her ‘hey baby’ voice. She had a couple incidences of brilliant un-PCness. Our friends had brought along their new german au pair. At one point during the meal Nyssa looked at her speculatively, and showing off quite how well she grasped our history lessons from earlier this year, asked quite loudly, ‘So were you in Germany during World War II?!?’ First of all, this girl is roundabout 18, and second..wow, how awkward. She wasn’t finished though. A couple days ago, I had told the kids I have very little cash because James took the ATM card with him to Oxford by mistake. At one point, probably when Nyssa was savouring her mushroom dish (wierdo), she announced how grateful she was to be able to go to a nice restaurant because, as she put it, ‘Mom has no money!’ It’s a good thing I have no pride.

Later, back at the flat, I had dug out the waxed sand whatsit kit out of the closet (where it had sat since Christmas, incidentally) to let the daughter of our friends have since she’d actually use it. Nyssa confirmed that she didn’t like it because she had to wash her hands after using it. ‘First of all,’ I told her, ‘you already have to wash your hands several times a day, so what’s the big deal about once more? Second..’ I played with the sand for a moment, then simply dusted my hands off, ‘Look. Not even your OCD mum feels the need to wash her hands now.’ This sunk in for a second, then she started to object that we were getting rid of it. Friend said something placating about how we could just view this as a loan. I was less kind, I think my words were more along the lines of ‘you snooze, you lose.’ Yes, I’m mean. I’ve never pretended to be otherwise.

Our friends were getting ready to go, in fact mum friend and I were chatting at the door. I heard a piercing Nyny wail and broke off our goodbyes to run back up the stairs. Somehow Nyssa had managed to throw herself down about ten of the stairs and injure her torso. What’s more, she couldn’t actually recall what happened. *sigh* Anyway, I soothed the wailing child and cuddled her and Joseph on the couch. Since company was over late, we didn’t actually start getting ready for bed until about 11. The kids were so tired and stressed out by this point that I finally gave in and let them sleep in my bed with me. That is, they went to bed, and I followed a while later. I did try to sleep in the warm cuddlebug pile, but Nyssa wiggled so much she finally fell out of bed. I stuck the delirious child back in the bed and went off to sleep on the couch. Nyssa got a good night’s sleep and woke up perky and ready to sieze another day, even with the nice bruise on her side. When the kids had vacated my bed, I crawled back in it and tried to catch a nap.

Happy New Year

January 2, 2007

So, it’s a new year. That is, for the foreseeable future it’s me cursing at myself and scribbling out the ‘6’ at the end of dates on forms.

The kids are driving me nuts while waiting for brownies to cool, so I’m sitting them on the couch to tag-team read.

Christmas was nice. I think the nicest thing actually was hanging around Oxford town centre for a while by myself. The highlight was sitting on the second level of a Starbucks, drinking my annual gingerbread latte and spacing out at the shoppers below. It’s been a while since I did that. Now if only the shopping I did was for myself, would have been perfect.

I got a lovely present from James this year. I’d have been pleased with him just buying and wrapping any old thing just so he finally made the effort, but he got me the 2006 Swarovski snowflake set! I’ve been wanting a collection of those for years, hurrah!! I also got the Napoleon Dynamite special edition DVD, sweet. Other things as well, in fact not sure what they all are yet as I have to get them from the royal mail depot, if it ever decides to open. Silly me, popping by there today thinking there would be no reason for them not to be open on the 2nd. Speaking of closures, the council office at the end of the street we live on was closed to all today due to the insane winds over the weekend beating the hell out of the globe weathervane whatsit. It looks really funny, all askew, but until they get it down it apparently is putting anyone who dares come near the building in dreadful peril. Glad I didn’t make any plans in the city for Hogmaney, would have been blown away.

James related to me today Joseph’s shared mental processes in picking out my presents. As usual, they kids picked out some of their own things and wrapped them for me, bless. Joseph picked out an old tube of lotion after considering the fact that I use it all the time, and if I lost my tube, another one would come in really handy. He also wrapped two rather worn boxes of wikki sticks, which are little wax covered modeling stick things, after remembering that I liked playing with them.

Nyssa has been a cheese today. Joseph was wheedling her about something this morning, and she looks at him squarely and says, ‘No. I know that look.’ This evening, she’s bugging me when I’m in the kitchen and when I try to shoo her, she pleads, ‘but Mom! I’m addicted to you!’ Har.

Better go check the brownies I guess.

Hehe

October 27, 2006

The kids just told the two most rubbish jokes ever.

Nyssa: Mom! I have a joke! What is similar?

Mom: Um..what?

Nyssa: Different!

Mom: um….

Joseph: I have one too! What did the one napkin say to the other napkin?

Mom: Um, what?

Joseph: Let’s go for a napkin!

Mom: *blank* I mean, hahahaha! *wanders out of room*

My kids are cool.

House so quiet

October 17, 2006

Ben and Meg have left and grandma and kids are out…suddenly it’s very quiet in the flat. I have a resounding feeling of ‘now what?’

Charity shop score of the month–yesterday I found 4 new Denby teacups and saucers for 6 quid. Sweet. I also found some white cotton sweaters for unravelling and dyeing.

We successfully sorted out the tax credit now. The plus of it taking so long is that we got 6 months of backpayment. Sweet.

I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep, and when I finally do I have intense dreams.

I seem incapable of a proper paragraph today :P.

I’m going to do some early christmas shopping today at Oxfam. The kids having all this stuff from the last month makes me leery of buying them anything, to be honest. I want them to grow up with their fair dose of ‘havenot.’

More Joseph funny: the other day we were watching Paramount Comedy, who are heavily promoting Sex and the City. Joseph finally sighs, and says, ‘Why do they call it Sex and the City?’ I winced, wondering what his next question might make me try to explain about human biology. Instead, he continues, ‘they should call it Sex IN the City!’ Hehe, pedant. On another occasion we were up in the attic because James suggested it would be a good guest room, and Ben was actually keen to try it. Joseph came up too, and we spied a big pile of ancient Cosmo magazines. Ben started reading some of the predictable blurbs, and Joseph chuckles and says, ‘hehe, those magazines are all about sex. Now who’s the boss?!!’ I fell over giggling, and I can only imagine what he actually meant.

Another reason to have pride in my son: when I gave him some double-stuf Oreos, he promptly took them apart and frankensteined himself a super quadruple-stuf Oreo.

It’s a sad state of consumer ennui when I see the cable commercial that goes, ‘if you can, you should,’ and I mentally reply, ‘eh, fair enough.’